trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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