i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
