Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
