I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
