I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I wish there were birth control emojis
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
