sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
