I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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