I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
