Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
