Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Randomize
