Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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