If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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