Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
