You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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