Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
