so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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