he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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