I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
