I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
