Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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