It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
