i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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