Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
