respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
