i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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