i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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