he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
