I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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