you traded sex for a burrito?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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