After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
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