I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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