Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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