I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
