I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
