two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
