he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
