I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
