i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
