remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
