I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
