I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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