there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
