WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
