Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
