i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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