you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
