I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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