i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
