yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
