I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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