mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
