Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
