I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
